Never Again...

To top of these last weeks I had an expierence today that I never want to repeat ever again. Belle has gotten her movies taken away lately because of some serious attitude problems. Belle has to earn her movies back by acting good and being a complete sweetheart. Anyways after 4 days of no movies Belle finally earned a movie this morning. She choose the Great Mouse Detective. So we were watching the movie and Paige woke up and I headed upstairs to feed her....

I was feeding her, changed her, and was getting Paige back to sleep when I heard my neighbor downstairs.... Thank Heavens for her! She told me that she had found my kids in the street and that they were out there for who knows how long. My heart sank.... I ran downstairs thinking they were still in the street and all I could think about is my kids are gone, my kids are gone, and it is all my fault. I totally imagined them getting hit by a car, I felt so helpless. I had so much adrenalin- I was ready to rip a car apart to get to my kids. Thankfully my neighbor brought them inside already and I looked over and they both poke their heads out from behind the couch....

I didn't even know what to do.... they have never gone in the street or walked out my door. They both know better. I took them upstairs ready to be mad and get them in so much trouble but as I was about to speak tears shot out from my eyes. I started to uncontrollably cry... I could not stop. Then Belle started uncontrollably crying and Cash....

Monkey who had been at the store came in and ran up the stairs as quick as he could cause all he heard was everyone in pure hysterics. He came up saying, "What happened, is everyone okay?! Whats going on, what happened?!" Over and over he said this and I could not get it together to tell him. I finally told him and I bawled trying to explain to two toddlers that was not okay and that can not ever happen again. I just grab both of them and wouldn't let them go....

I have never felt such panic, fear, complete horrified feeling as I did today. I seriously thought I lost them for a second. After a while of holding them I have no idea what happened, I lost my mind. I started to hyperventilate. Seriously, I could not breathe. Monkey brought me in on our bed and I guess I turned white as a sheet- and my body started shaking. I just clasped over, I was crying harder and harder and trying to gasp for breathe.... Monkey said he got the kids out of the room and he tried to get me to talk to him and I wouldn't talk back...

After a while he got me back together. He said he felt like I went into complete shock or something. Completely out of control... I know. Apparently to no surprise to anyone I can't handle things very well. I have no idea why I reacted like that when I saw they were okay... Maybe because I hadn't slept for a long bit, maybe because I had fed Paige 3-4 times before taking a drink of water, or maybe because I was feeling so sick the whole morning. Maybe because if anything happened it would've been my fault. Maybe because I love my kids so much but didn't realize how much until I thought they were gone... I don't know I have never done that before.

I felt so grateful for my neighbor, I felt so grateful nothing bad had happened to Cash or Belle, I felt so grateful everything went good instead of the other option that would have been devastating. I know this seems completely over reacting but man it was not fun. I feel a bit overwhelmed... being a parents of two I can do... Being a parent of three has been very difficult for me so far. I know it will get easier. I know I can do this but I am feeling very inadequate.

So lesson I learned is cherish your love ones... or everyone at that! Even if the day before you felt like you needed a long holiday away from them or maybe even selling them to the gypsies! Love them!